Ten Minutes

They're at the other end of the couch, thumb moving slowly down the screen, and the show you put on is still playing for neither of you. You haven't said anything. Your chest has tightened a little more with each minute, and there's a number in your head now, and it isn't a number you'd say out loud. You're not going to mention it, because mentioning it would sound like a complaint, and it isn't one. You'd just like them to look up.

You're not doing anything wrong. Part of you tracks their attention as a sign of how close you are, and right now it's pointing somewhere else. This one-page guide is for working out the sentence that replaces the count, before you need it.

It isn't a case against phones, and it isn't a case against your partner. Wanting a few minutes of someone's attention is one of the ordinary things people want from each other, and it doesn't need to be explained away. This is a gentle experiment with no right result. This isn't a technique for managing your partner, and it isn't couples therapy. And if asking for ten minutes is met with anger or contempt, or if ten minutes of attention is hard to find across most of your time together and not only around the phone, then this is bigger than a phone, and it's worth taking to someone who can sit with both of you.

What's inside

A single page for the evening when the phone is on the table and the count has started.

• Six ways it can look — the silent count, the sideways glance, the announcement, the matching, the tidy-up, the delayed edge
• The sentence — the one you'd say, in your own words
• What it asks for — what, how much, and a way for them to say when
• A time that suits you both — not in the middle of a show, and not straight after the count has got loud
• A reflection line for what you noticed

The silent count is a request in a form the other person can't hear.

The prompts are fillable — type straight into the page on your phone or laptop, and save it.