The Space Contract

They say, “I need some space,” and before they've finished the sentence you've already heard the rest of it: space from me. Four words, said reasonably, possibly kindly — and in the minute or two after, you say four or five things you wouldn't have chosen. By bedtime the part you can't get past isn't what they said; it's what you said next. Very little useful tends to get settled in those first minutes, which is why this one-page guide is for the calm afternoon beforehand — one sentence you'd want agreed in advance, so that when the four words arrive, an end point comes with them.

This is for the ordinary version of the request. Days of silence, absence used as a consequence, or anything that leaves you feeling unsafe sits outside it, and is worth taking to someone who can sit with both of you.

What's inside

A single page for the quiet afternoon, and the sentence you'd want agreed before the four words arrive.

• Six things the first minutes tend to do — the clarifying question, the negotiation, the pre-emptive apology, the one more thing, the loud quiet, the twenty-minute message
• What you'd like added — not a change in their behaviour, one extra piece of information: roughly when contact resumes
• What you're not asking for — usually the part that makes the ask possible for them to say yes to
• What you'll do with the interval — one ordinary thing, decided in advance, that isn't waiting
• A reflection line for what you noticed

It isn't the absence that sets the alarm off. It's the absence with no end marked on it.

The prompts are fillable — type straight into the page on your phone or laptop, and save it.